شباهتها یا تفاوتها، کدامیک مهم ترند؟ – دکتر حسام فیروزی
همانگونه که میدانیم، انسان تنها موجود روی کره زمین است که حق انتخاب دارد. و به واسطه همین حق انتخاب است که او را موجودی آزاد نام نهاده اند (آزاد است تا انتخاب کند). در حالی که موجودات قبل از ما از این حق برخوردار نیستند. (۱)
این حق انتخاب که در پی خود مسولیت بر دوش مان نهاده، باعث ایجاد آگاهی در ما شده که مهمترین آگاهی انسان، آگاهی به مرگ است.
این آگاهی ما را گرفتار ترسی میکند که از تولد تا آخر عمر سایهاش رهایمان نمیکند. این آگاهی و ترس ناشی از آن، ما را وادار میکند تا فکری برای به تعویق انداختن مرگ خویش کنیم و انسان در این راستا دست به هر اقدام و روشی زده تا بتواند مرگ خویش را به تعویق بیندازد و خود را جاودانه کند. از جمله این اقدامات؛ میتوان به ساخت افسانهها و اسطورهها، ایجاد مذاهب، در صدد دست یافتن به ماورا و استفاده از علم و دانش و فن آوری اشاره کرد.
از ابتدا تا امروز بشر از عصرهای مختلفی همچون عصر شکار و کشاورزی و صنعتی تا امروز که عصر اطلاعات و ارتباطات است، گذر کرده و همواره سعی در به تعویق انداختن مرگ خویش داشته و اگر بخواهیم همه این اعصار را به دو بخش تقسیم کنیم شاید استفاده از دنیای سنت و دنیای مدرن از همه گویاتر و ملموستر باشد.
انسانها در دنیای سنتی گذشته به واسطه کم بودن و محدودیت در تعداد حق انتخابها، بالطبع از حق انتخاب کمی نیز برخوردار میبودند و شاید این کمی حق انتخابها یکی از دلایل عمده ای بوده که بیشتر بر شباهتها تاکید داشتهاند تا تفاوتها.
این در حالی است که امروزه در دنیای مدرن تعداد آبشنها به قدری زیاد شده که نگاه به تفاوتها از اهمیت بیشتری برخوردار گشته و این قانون مهم که در دنیا هیچ دو چیز مشابهی وجود ندارد، پر رنگتر از گذشته شده.
در جامعه در حال گذار ایران نیز اگر بیاد داشته باشیم تفاوتها عجیب به نظر میآمدند (میآیند). این را میتوان از توصیه به همرنگ شدن با جماعت، تا تعجب بر انگیز بودن نظرها و سلایق متفاوت ( واقعا!!!!!؟….. یعنی تو اینو دوست نداری؟؟؟!!!! خیلی عجیبه!!!!) تا رفتارهای والدین با فرزندانشان که میبایست سنتها و عقاید و رسوم خانواده را حفظ میکردند تا شکلگیری حکومتهای دیکتاتوری که بر این باور استوار است که؛ “همه باید آنگونه بیندیشند که دیکتاتور میاندیشد”، به وضوح مشاهده کرد.
ولی امروز شاهد آنیم که دنیای مدرن با پر رنگ کردن نگاه به سمت تفاوتها، راه به سوی دمکراسی گشوده و نه تنها تفاوتها از رنگ و نژاد و زبان و لهجه و عقیده را به رسمیت شناخته، بلکه آنها را محترم شمرده و جزو حقوق اولیه انسان به حساب آورده است.
مقصود من از عنوان کردن مسئله مهم پذیرش تفاوتها، کاربرد آن در ارتباطهای بین فردی خصوصا ارتباطات عاطفی و زوج است.
من سالهاست که به واسطه کار با کودک با خانوادهها در ارتباط تنگاتنگ قرار دارم و تقریبا هر روز والدینی به من مراجعه میکنند که از مشکلات فی مابین خود شکایت دارند.
در طول این سالها شاید بتوانم به جد بگویم بیشترین عامل اختلافات همسری را در مسئله عدم پذیرش تفاوتها یافتهام و با آموزشهایی که باعث ایجاد این پذیرش در زوجین شده، مشکل ارتباطی بسیاری از آنها حل شده.
از دید من سه فاکتور مهمی که در یک ارتباط نقش عمدهای ایفا میکند؛
اول “رابطه برد برد” است که تداوم رابطه را ایجاد میکند.
دوم “میزان درک یا پذیرش تفاوتها” که باعث بالا رفتن کیفیت رابطه میشود.
و سومین فاکتور، “احترام” که هویت مستقل به هر کدام از طرفین رابطه داده و از وابستگی و کنترل که عوامل مهی در ایجاد فاصله بین زوجین هستند جلوگیری میکند.
در همین راستا و به منظور فرهنگسازی در این زمینه، تاکید مداوم من در کارگاههای فرزندپروری به والدین این است که دائما به کودک در مواردی که اختلاف نظر داریم بگوییم؛
“چه جالب!!، تو اینو دوست نداری ولی من دوست دارم، جالبه!! ما دو تا آدم متفاوتیم ولی همدیگر و دوست داریم” یا اینکه چه جالب!! نظر تو و من در مورد این مسئله باهم متفاوته، آخه ما دو تا آدم متفاوتیم”.
من نام این تکنیک را گذاشته ام، “تمرین دموکراسی” ، چرا که دموکراسی در فرهنگهایی که تفاوتها انسانها را ارزش و داوری میکنند و انسانها را به واسطه تفاوتهایشان به دو دسته خوب و بد تقسیم میکنند، شکل نخواهد گرفت.
در روابط بین انسانی نیز این نگرش قادر است آنها را درکنار یکدیگر قرار داده و همکاری تیمی آنها را بالا ببرد. این در حالی است که به دلیل عدم پذیرش تفاوتها در فرهنگ ایرانی، قادر نیستیم در کنار یکدیگر قرار بگیریم و منافع جمعی خود را پاسداری کنیم چرا که معیار ما برای در کنار یکدیگر قرار گرفتن، شباهت هاست و بواسطه اینکه ما انسانها بیشتر با هم متفاوتیم تا شبیه، دشمنی، پراکندگی، عدم همکاری، نفاق و کینه در میانمان موج می زند.
اگر چه سخت است، ولی بیاییم در انتظار روزی که “رشد یافتگی روانی” از صفات برجسته ما ایرانیان شود چشم امیدمان را باز نگاه داریم و هر کوششی که در توانمان باشد در این راه انجام دهیم.
- رجوع کنید به مقاله “وظیفه و مسئولیت” از همین نویسنده
دکتر حسام فیروزی
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